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No Sex Please, We're British is a British comedic play written by Alistair Foot and Anthony Marriott and first staged in London's West End in 1971. It was unanimously panned by critics, but miraculously still ran for nearly a decade to packed audiences. It did not share the same success with American audiences, running for only 16 performances on Broadway in early 1973. However, it still remains popular in community theatre.

The farce surrounds an assistant bank manager (Peter Hunter) who lives above his bank with his new bride Frances. When Frances innocently sends a mail order off for some Scandinavian glassware, what comes back is Scandinavian pornography. The two, along with the bank's frantic chief cashier Brian Runnicles, must decide what to do with the veritable floods of pornography, photographs, books, films and eventually girls that threaten to engulf this happy couple. The matter is considerably complicated by Eleanor (Peter's mother), Mr. Bromhead (his boss), Mr. Needham (a visiting bank inspector), and Vernon Paul (a police superintendent).

A film version starring Ronnie Corbett as Brian was made in 1973. There were many alterations to the script, including significant changes in dialogue, plot elements and, most notably, to names: "Eleanor" was changed to "Bertha", "Mr. Bromhead" was changed to "Mr. Bromley", and "Peter" and "Frances" became "David" and "Penny", respectively. Michael Crawford, who played the role of Brian Runnicles on stage, turned down the movie version.

• BBC News ran a documentary series on BBC2 in 2005 called No Sex Please, We're Teenagers.
• A 2003 episode of the American sitcom Frasier was entitled "No Sex Please, We're Skittish".
• In the third series of The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, CJ considers calling his novel about ants No Sex Please, We're Ants. Other considerations included Watership Anthill, Lord of the Ants and Ant of the Flies.
• At the end of the third radio episode of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the narrator announces that "Zaphod Beeblebrox is now appearing in 'No Sex Please, We're Amoeboid Zingatularians'".
• The title is often referenced in the media in news articles where opinions are "no" and usually involve British people. Such random examples can be seen in actual headlines "No Sex.eu Please, We're British" [1], "No 'Toothing' Please, We're British" [2], and "No Sex Please, We're Virgins" [3].
• A 1990 computer game version of the cartoon Count Duckula was released for the Commodore Amiga called 'No Sax Please, We're Egyptian', sharing its title with the cartoon's first episode. Episode 12 of series two repeated the reference in its title: 'No Yaks Please, We're Tibetan'.

• Snowclone

• No Sex Please, We're British at the Internet Broadway Database
• No Sex Please, We're British at the Internet Movie Database