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Vogon poetry
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Vogon Poetry is poetry written by Vogons, an alien race in Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. According to The Guide:
- Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been "disappointed" by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paul Neil Milne Johnstone of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.
In later editions of the Guide, Grunthos the Flatulent was about to read a different 12-book collection entitled "Zen, and the art of going to the lavatory" before having his brain throttled by his major intestine. Also, the worst poet in the universe is alternatively known as Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings.
Listening to it is an experience similar to torture as demonstrated when Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are forced to listen to the Vogon captain's poetry prior to being thrown out of an airlock.
Excerpt:
- Oh freddled gruntbuggly,
- Thy micturations are to me
- As plurdled gabbleblotchits
- On a lurgid bee.
- Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes
- And hooptiously drangle me
- With crinkly bindlewurdles,
- Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
- See if I don't!
A second example of Vogon poetry was found in the Hitchhiker's Guide interactive fiction game that was produced by Infocom. This actually includes the first verse of the shorter poem above; if nothing else, it is fair to say that Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was consistent in his efforts to reach out to and crush souls with his poetry. During the game, the following lines would be printed in random order as the second verse, with the last line (the one ending in Moose) always appearing last. Thus what follows is only one of six possible combinations.
- Gashee morphousite, thou expungiest quoopisk!
- Fripping lyshus wimbgunts, awhilst moongrovenly kormzibs.
- Bleem miserable venchit! Bleem forever mestinglish asunder frapt!
- Gerond withoutitude form into formless bloit, why not then? Moose.
An unused extended version of the poem is also excerpted in Neil Gaiman's book Don't Panic: The Official Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Companion, in Appendix III.
